Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ' I slept with your mother! ' The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, ' I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER! '
The other says, ' Go home, dad, you ' re drunk.
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, ' I have bad news and worse news ' . ' Oh
dear, what ' s the bad news? ' asks the patient. The doctor replies, ' You only have 24 hours to live ' .
' That ' s terrible ' , said the patient. ' How can the news possibly be worse? '
The doctor replies, ' I ' ve been trying to contact you since yesterday ' .
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ' That ' s the ugliest baby that I ' ve ever seen. Ugh! '
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ' The driver just insulted me! '
The man says: ' You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I ' ll hold your monkey for you. '
Top joke in US
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: ' Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. '
The man then replies: ' Yeah well, we were married for 35 years. '
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 CO.
The Russians used a pencil.
THE WINNING JOKE
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn ' t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ' My friend is dead! What can I do? '
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ' Just take it easy. I can help. First, let ' s make sure he ' s dead. '
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy ' s voice comes back on the line. He says: ' OK, now what? '
Top Jokes
